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| Lysistrata A lady of Greece, Lysistrata, Had never done things as she oughta. As a hobo for hire, She danced in the choir And diddled a basso castrata. Joan The commanding young saint, Joan of Arc, Waged a war which she lost; what a lark! They said 'for God's sake You must burn at the stake And enlighten this age; it's so dark!' Mary Old Mary, the Queen of the Scots, Loves men like a polka loves dots. They say that she's had Every laddy in plaid By virtue of multiple twats. Strange A courtesan known as Dame Strange, Had sometimes been known to arrange A tryst to go down On gents for a pound-- The ladies got trysted for change. Ashley Dame Ashley, the Matron-at-Court, Was wont in the night to cavort With a wench on a horse. Twas her husband, of course, He wore her chemise just for sport. Chumley A lady in waiting, Dame Chumley, Had rarely been thought of as comely. When dry, she was loud And could not be cowed; When drunken, she babbled quite dumbly. Antoinette The French gave Marie Antoinette A lesson too harsh to forget. When she bade them eat bread, They lopped off her head To bandy about at croquet. O’Malley The seafaring queen, Grace O’Malley, Once boarded a mate in the galley. First she swabby-ed his deck Then she left him a wreck. She was fiercer than Sir Walter Raleigh. Dover There once was a lassie from Plover Who blue-balled her lad in the clover. The lassie then tortured Her lad in the orchard. So the lad threw her over... the White Cliffs of Dover. Tucker-in The Mistress we call Tucker-in Could guzzle a gallon of gin; The night of her wedding She wet her own bedding; She was three or four sheets to the win’. Sweeper The cinder wench, Miss Ashley Sweeper, Was considered by menfolk, a keeper. She knew what to do When she reamed out your flue And nobody worked any cheaper. Cook A cook for the queen was so quirky She once replaced mutton with turkey. One whiff proved to show That her leg meat was faux. Still, her breast meat was tender and perky. Sherri An enchanting old pagan named Sherri, Was cited for being too scary. McGarry, the judge, With a wink and a nudge Gave Sherri a basket to carry. The judge made a deal with the witch: Her freedom for scratching his itch. But after he’d bedded her, The bastard beheaded her, Saying, "That’s what the basket's for, bitch." No one knows if it was magic or meth, But Sherri had no loss of breath. After losing her head She rose from the dead And the judge died a dastardly death. Brimstone Miss Ashley B. Brimstone, the blacksmith, Invented those things you play jacks with. Then she made a tin drum, A-rump-a-pum-pum. She was oodles of fun to play sax with. Witch Witch Sorrel imbibed her own potion Which filled her with love and devotion For the randy old ram That we had named ‘Sam’. The farmer observed the commotion. |
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