The Weekly Mop-Up: Dedicated to My Biggest Fan

(Week Five Observations)

 

by Keith Schweigert

October 8, 2002

 

 Note: This week's column is dedicated to my biggest fan and truest friend Eric Kilhefner. Without his constant reassurance and enthusiastic support, it would be impossible for me to go on. Thanks, Eric. You'll never know that you're my hero, and the wind beneath my wings.

 

OK, now that the sentimental crap is over, let's dissect the happenings in Week 5!

SPRING AVENUE POOR-HOUSERS: We'll begin with Mr. Kilhefner's powerhouse of a fantasy team, the Rough Housers. Led by a 1-point performance from starting QB Michael Vick, who quickly left the Tampa Bay game with menstrual cramps, the Rough Housers turned in a stunning 60-point total in their loss to everybody's favorite cellar-dweller, Troy. Yes, the same Troy who just made it over that 300-point plateau this week. Eric's disappointing week dropped him from seventh to ninth in the overall standings &endash; 153 points off the lead.

CHICO'S STILL THE MAN: He's backed off his chest-thumping and trash talking lately, perhaps cowed by the almost universal hatred his message board comments inspired. But Todd's still the straw that stirs the drink here in the LEAF League. His Chico's Bailbonds racked up 129 points this week, maintaining a slim lead in the overall standings. Bengals RB Corey Dillon finally snapped out of his season-long hibernation to earn 30 points for Todd, while Deuce McAllister added 26. When you throw in the 39 points his WRs accounted for, it's almost enough to make you forget that he appears to have come out on the losing end of his much-maligned trade with Troy. Tim Couch, the supposed salvation at QB, managed just 15 points for Todd this week, prompting speculation that Todd will be searching the free agent wire for a suitable replacement. Meanwhile, Jamal Lewis is starting to light it up for Troy. Will Chico's QB prove to be his undoing? Stay tuned.

IT'S ALL BALL BEATINGS: League runner-up Rick continued his string of dominant play this week with a 130-62 drubbing of Mike's Razorbacks. Led by a 35-point performance from Priest Holmes, the Ball Bearings trimmed a few more points off Todd's overall lead, pulling to within 11. Rick's No. 2 back, Charlie Garner, also looked strong this week with 29 points, but TE Todd Heap &endash; whom Rick was touting as the final piece to his puzzle earlier in the week &endash; proved to be a bust with just five points. He might grab you a few TDs here and there, Rick, but so far, Todd's just a Heap of steaming dung compared to guys like Tony Gonzalez.

GRANDPA'S GOING SENILE: The seeds of his doom were planted when he started Broncos RB Mike Anderson, who missed the game with an injury. It got worse when his other RB, Michael Pittman, managed just four points. Add it all up, and you've got a rancid week for Steve's Grandpa's Meat. If it weren't for a 37-point performance from league MVP in waiting Donovan McNabb, Steve might've wound up in the Kilhefner Zone this week. As it was, he managed 82 points, but lost his head-to-head matchup with Eric Stark's Viagra Big Men and fell into fourth place in the overall race.

SORRY, ERIC: But I have to mention the Rednecks again. Yes, they're my team, and I'd love to avoid talking about them if I could. But darn it, they just keep on winning. Thanks to Peyton Manning's 27-point afternoon and a 22-point effort from free agent pickup David Patten, the Rednecks dropped 111 points on Dave Garner's ass and remained the only undefeated team in head-to-head play. As an added bonus, the 'Necks improved to third overall.

WHEREFORE ART THOU, GOOBERS? As putrid as Eric Kilhefner's week was, he wasn't the worst performer. That honor goes to Tom Tran, whose Fightin' Goobers managed just 57 points. Thanks in part to a 1-point day from RB Antowain Smith and a 3-point effort from Isaac Bruce, the Goobers dropped down to 11th in the overall race. That's gotta hurt.

THE STANDINGS: Heading into Week 6, here's how the league stacks up: 1. Todd (560); 2. Rick (549); 3. Keith (514); 4. Steve (491); 5. Nick (483); 6. Mike (445); 7. Eric Stark (435); 8. Bruce (424); 9. Eric Kilhefner, fantasy stud (407); 10. Dave (399); 11. Tom (392); 12. Troy (341).

 

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