The Week One Mop Up: The pundits were right

 

 

 

by Keith Schweigert

LEAF columnist

Sept. 10, 2003

 

Greetings, sports fans! The first week of fantasy football is in the books, and it's my humble duty to recap all the thrills and chills in the Week 1 Mop-Up.

For those of you who were with us last year, you'll recall the delightful message board banter that my Mop-Ups stimulated &endash; right, Eric?

But what's the fun of fantasy football without a little trash talk?

So with that in mind, here's my spin on the first week of action:

OK, SO THE PUNDITS WERE RIGHT: The post-draft scientific analysis nailed it, at least when it comes to picking to top 2 teams. Rick and Tom charged out the gate with dominating performances in Week 1.

Riding the coattails of Priest Holmes for the second straight season, Rick's Cloning Scott Baio (really, the team name is getting more pathetic each year) poleaxed Eric's Spring Avenue Rough Housers 111-49.

Not to be outdone, Tom's Fighting Goobers blasted Nick's Mystery Machine 131-93. It was a solid all-around performance from the Goobers, led by a 28-point effort from Tommy Maddox and a 27-point outburst from Clinton Portis.

Of course, the rest of Week 1's results showed what a steaming pile of crap the unscientific post-draft poll really was (full disclaimer: I participated in it as well, and accept just as much blame).

Steve and Bruce, who everyone picked to be the bottom two teams, actually tied for 3rd overall with 99 points each. That total also turned their head-to-head matchup into a sister-kisser. As of press time, it was unclear whether Steve's sister would actually pucker up for Bruce &endash; but Bruce remains hopeful.

STUDS: Week 1 was filled with memorable performances. The top individual output came from Andy's QB, Daunte Culpepper, who racked up 30 against the retarded Packer defense. Tommy Maddox (28) and Rich Gannon (22) were second and third among QBs, respectively.

As we mentioned previously, Priest Holmes (Rick) and Clinton Portis (Tom) were the top two RBs, with 29 and 27 points. But Ahman Green (Nick), Travis Henry (Steve) and Shawn Alexander (Troy) all were solid, with 23-point totals.

Tom had a double-shot of success at WR, as Hines Ward and Randy Moss scored 21 points each &endash; the highest total among wideouts. Only Joey Galloway (Steve) and Torry Holt (Keith) came close, with totals of 19 and 17, respectively.

DUDS: There were almost too many to name, but here goes:

Among QBs, Tom Brady (Keith) set the bar with a paltry 123 passing yards and 4 INTs as his Pats were victims of a 31-0 skullfucking by the Bills. Brady's output? A mere 4 points, which means he was out-performed by my starting kicker, Jeff Wilkins (7).

Finishing as low as Brady is a fierce challenge, but Jake Plummer (Eric) proved he was up to the task by reverting back to his Arizona Cardinal roots with a 4-point performance in his Broncos debut. Maybe "The Snake" was just Rocky Mountain high, but he looked like the same scrub that has shattered so many fantasy dreams in the past.

Unfortunately, I had a run on duds this week. My starting wideout, Quincey Morgan, racked up a massive 1 point &endash; setting the low among WRs. Several others came close to winning the coveted "Dud" award, most notably Marc Boeritger (Brendon) and David Boston (Troy) with 2 points each.

ANOTHER FAULK CURSE: Last year, having Marshall Faulk on your roster proved dangerous. He scuttled the hopes of two different teams, and may have possibly chased one of his former owners out of the league.

And he's not exactly off to a flying start this year, either &endash; right, Dave? Marshall managed just 4 points in Week 1, thanks in part to Mike "I'm a Genius, Just Ask Me" Martz's brilliant strategy of giving him the ball 9 times.Faulk wasn't the only disappointing RB. How 'bout that scintillating 3-point effort from Corey Dillon, Todd? Or that 4-point output from Trung Candidate, Brendon?

HINDSIGHT IS 20-20: Here are the top bench scores from Week 1.

QBs:

1. Joey Harrington (Troy) 31

2. Jeff Garcia (Brendon) 30

3. Jay Fiedler (Steve) 27

RBs:

1. Warrick Dunn (Keith) 12

WRs:

1. Chris Chambers (Andy) 24

2. Charles Rogers (Brendon) 16

3. Tim Brown (Andy) 12

TE:

1. Freddie Jones (Keith) 12

DEF:

1. Giants (Bruce) 23

2. Packers (Rick) 13

Might want to re-think your starters, boys.

And on that note, I'm out. See you in Week 4!

*****

Keith Schweigert is the owner of Weapons of Mass Destruction. His "Mop Up" column will appear every three weeks.

Next week: Steve Seeber provides his analysis of Week 2 in this space.

In two weeks: Rick Reitz chimes in with his thoughts on the league and Week 3.

This column will be written on alternating weeks by Keith, Steve and Rick.

 

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