Flotsam & Jetsam
"Bits and pieces found floating on the sea of life."

Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What?And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in the winter)

Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your g uests through your tidy home, rattle
the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive!"

Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the
couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep sever al get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been
sick and unable to clean. You figure if you can live in it, they can surely stand it for a 30 minute visit!

           A GUYS SIDE OF THINGS

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Senior Virus

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.   Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?  Round-table discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.   Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?  Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the "remote" to your significant other.  Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.  Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.  Graph ics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost.   Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?  Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.   Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.  Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.  Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Submitted by Jim

1.         "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2.         "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3.         "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4.         "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5.         "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6.         "Did he kill you?"

7.         "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8.         "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9.         "How may times have you committed suicide?"

10.      Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11.      Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12.      Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13.      Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14.      Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15.      Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16.      Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17.      Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18.      Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19.      Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20.      Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21.      Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood 

submitted by Mordy

I Can't Believe We Made It!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no child proof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking .... As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends , from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day , as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents . They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen , we did not put out any eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team . Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. 

The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever! We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal!!   And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

Folding The American Flag

Have you ever noticed the honor guard pays meticulous attention to correctly folding the American flag 13 times? You probably thought it was to symbolize the original 13 colonies, but we learn something new every day!

• The 1st fold of our flag is a symbol of life.
• The 2nd fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.
• The 3rd fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans     departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.
• The 4th fold represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.
• The 5th fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our Country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong.
• The 6th fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that We pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States Of America, and the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.
• The 7th fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.
• The 8th ! fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day.
• The 9th fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.
  
• The 10th fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since they were first born.
• The 11th fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
• The 12th fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit.
• The 13th fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nations motto, "In God We Trust."

• They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up.
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
• Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
• The CD was introduced the year they were born.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• They have always had cable.
• They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
• Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
• Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
• They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
• They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
• They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
• McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
• They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

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Caller IQ?  Recently we purchased a new telephone for the kitchen and in addition to the "Caller ID" feature, it has a new feature called "Caller IQ" (see image from the user manual for the phone).  Now, not only will we know  who is calling, but we will now know if they are smart enough to know what they are talking about!!!  

From Dick & Donna - the Caller IQ feature is actually something to do with getting data from the Internet via the phone - it just seems like a curious choice for the name of the feature. 

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The Price Of Gasoline

Think a gallon of gasoline is expensive?


• Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
• Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $ 9.52 per gallon
• Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
• Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
• Pint of milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon
• STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
• Vick's Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
• Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
• Whiteout 0.7oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
• Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon
• And this is the REAL KICKER......
  Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
  .....$21.19 FOR WATER!!
• So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout.

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