Preamble

And in those days of disco and pop, those days of leisure suits and quiana shirts, the young one named Doug was lost in the void on the Jersey Shore. His enemies were many and his true friends were few. He was wondering what the future would hold for him when he began looking for higher education. He wanted away from this place. He went to his guidance office and was looking for a place where he could learn about the computer. His counselor recommended Moravian College, his alma mater. Doug reviewed the information package and decided to apply. Doug's parents wanted Doug to find a better place for himself and coerced him to apply to many institutions of higher learning, but those applications though readied, never were sent, because Doug heard the calling..."Moravian College...it shall be well." The young Doug did not know what these words meant, but looking for direction decided to follow them. He filled applications to many schools, he sent one, and through divine intervention he was accepted. Onward to Moravian it would be...and it would be well.

At Doug's first orientation day, he met Wamz, and in instant friendship ensued. But this friendship was made difficult by virtue of the fact that Wamz was a dreaded commuter. The young one, Doug was discouraged by commuters at first, being only part time friends. Unbeknownst to Doug, this was the first of his Trials of the Clam Lord, as many and most Clams were commuters.

Doug, in his search for greater meaning, was guided next by the Clam Lord to Albert Schrack, the Braggart. Al spoke of his many virtues and abilities especially in softball however Doug was not impressed. Not being swayed by the Braggart was his second Trial, and the young Clam recruit passed this test.

Doug decided that being much the loner was a better course for him. It seemed that trying to befriend others was causing the young Clam to be pained and resentful. Thus facing the third Trial of the Clam Lord. The Clam Lord saw that Doug's shell was not as hard as others, but his diplomatic nature and unending loyalty were qualities that could be instilled into other Clam recruits. The Clam Lord said, "What the Fuck! He'll be the loyal Clam and peacemaker. We'll work on his shell! I shall give the young Clam recruit a friend to help harden his shell, and I shall give him one last test in the form of a challenge to see if his shell can harden." And so it was done...and it was VERY well.

As a loner, the young Clam recruit took to late night walks around Campus. One such evening while walking, he met a dark imposing figure with a raspy voice. "Why the HELL do you keep walking in circles every night?' Doug was asked by the figure. "Why the HELL are you watching?" Doug responded. They both laughed and began talking. Three hours later, they became friends...united in a common love of drinking, football, drinking, music, drinking, backgammon, drinking, smoking, wenching and drinking and oh, did I mention drinking?

Before long they knew there was a special bond between them, they shared everything...beer, smokes, wenches, and finally a room. It was during this period of time that Doug learned of Jim's special talent of releasing intestinal gases. Jim did try to teach Doug his craft, but Jim remained the Master of the Jim. I guess it is only fitting that Doug and Jim were two of the Clams who's names would eventually become synonymous with (and replacements for) names of bodily functions (the other being Tom and his small, weak bladder problem), and at opposite ends of the digestive system at that.

Jim was exiled away from Moravian one of HIS Trials of the Clam, and if he ever stops Himming long enough to type it, you may learn more about it. But, Jim's absence did not weaken their bond. It strengthened it. But it came to pass that the Clam Lord issued this exile for its purposes: to give Jim a Trial of his own to face, and to give Doug the final Trial.

And it came to pass in the fall of '82, when the one who Jims was in exile, that Doug took Volleyball in a gym class. In his first days of class he noticed all of the tall Neanderthals around him, and recognized the Steve Perry look alike from Comp Sci. And it further came to pass these days that Bryan and Doug were placed on opposing teams. Luck of the draw put them on rotation opposite each other one particular day, and a rivalry was begun by the Clam Lord. Bryan was overheard to have said, "Set me up, this guy can't get up!" And the Clam Lord smiled down on them. It gave Doug in an instant a competitive spirit. One that in all future days would allow him to compete on equal terms with all adversaries and win, or be injured trying. It gave Bryan a level of rage at that moment that often had to be stifled by others. And the devious Clam Lord laughed down on them and said to no one at all, "Here comes some serious shit!"

Bryan was set up...SLAM! But Doug blocked and his shell hardened. The Clam Lord chuckled. Bryan's rage grew and he was set up again and...SLAM!!! THUMP! Blocked again! The Clam Lord laughed. Doug's shell hardened deeper. Bryan's rage flared higher. And Wamz who was witness to all this warned Doug that he knew Bryan and it wasn't smart to fuck with him. But Doug was filled with the spirit of the Clam and for the first time heard and understood the Clam Lord. "Nail him!", the Clam Lord said unto Doug , and Doug decided he would. "Kill him! , the Clam Lord said unto Bryan, and Bryan decided he would, knowing full well that the Clam Lord would not allow his chosen one to fail. A third time...SLAM!! Thump!! "What the Fuck!" screamed Bryan and Doug's shell hardened once more. Doug was filled with the spirit of the Clam and felt invincible. They set up Bryan once more too far over the net. Doug saw his opportunity and SLAM!! He spiked Bryan!!! The Clam Lord pissed himself and opened another beer! They both looked up to the Clam Lord to see who was pissing on them and demanded a Molson as their wage for entertaining the Clam Lord. All the Clam Lord in his Dionysian revelry could utter was, "Too Much Fuckin' Geese! IWANAJAM! WHAT THE FUUUUUCK!" And pissed down on them again. After laughing this last one off, Bryan and Doug began talking. And Bryan seeing his competitive nature asked Doug about hockey, the Sport of Clams, and Doug was intrigued. We was temporarily granted the title of a Bruce, and it was well...VERY,VERY well.

And so it was that the one who Jims returned in Spring 1983 from his exile. Upon his return, Doug brought him to Bryan, Tom, Shawn and the other Clams, and they all believed that Doug had in fact found a worthy recruit. The Clam Lord looked down upon them and saw it was well. The Clam Lord's plans were moving forward when suddenly it realized, "Shit! They need a Mother!" The Clam Lord though long and hard about this dilemma. It believed that it had asked Bryan to do too much already, and since Tom was too into wenching for his own purposes, he selected Doug and the newest Clam, the one who Jims to find a Mother for the Clams. But like the devious one it was, the Clam Lord did not tell them of this task. It just sent them out into the world and threw wenches at them, which Doug and Jim did not mind in the least.

And so it came to pass that the Clam Lord granted unto Jim the favors of the wench Nella. Her story, and how she teased Jim is only important in that through her, Doug and Jim met Paula. Paula was a rather well specimen of wench, and at first Doug wanted her for himself, but the Clam Lord had other plans for her. The Clam Lord popped open another Molson and though about how he could screw Doug and Jim up on this one. The Clam Lord gave Nella the power of the tease, and nightly she zapped Jim with her wand of blueballs. As for Paula, the Clam Lord gave her a pathetic boyfriend (the Greg, who in the future cause Bryan such grief) a lust for being tied down with socks, a fetish for vegetables, and in general made her a major head case. Doug was quite tired of head case wenches (he had recently been involved with the wench Stacey who was quite the head case in her own rite!), and realized the wench Paula would make a better friend. But Doug and Jim did not yet see her as their Mother.

But that all changed one fateful day, the day that Doug and Jim were in Nella and Paula's room. The Clam Lord decided to test this wench and in it's devious way caused once again a verbal conflict between Doug and Paula. "Kiss my ass!" Paula shouted at Doug. "Bear it!" Doug taunted back. The slut wench was intrigued by this and offered, "You dare me?" Doug replied in a Clam like way, "You don't have the guts!"

But she did. And not only did she moon Doug and Jim, she bent over dropping pants and panties to her ankles in FULL presentation before them! In fact, had there been dingle berries there, Doug and Jim could have counted them! Doug and Jim explained to the wench that although quite pleasant, she REALLY needed to work on her mooning technique. The looked at each other and without speaking a word realized that this wench was SURELY a Clam. The Clam Lord smiled down once again after wiping Clam sperm from its beard, and realized that this wench was the Mother it was looking for to give to its people.

Doug and Jim brought Paula to Bryan, and the Clam Lord said to him, "See, I told you that you would be rewarded. Here is a well wench for you. She shall henceforth be known as Momma Clam, and you two shall rule as leaders of my people!"

Bryan responded, "Lead this!! They don't need a leader! They'll lead themselves!!" and he took Paula to be his very own wench.

And so it came to pass that the Clam Lord decided its people needed to stand apart from other ordinary mortals. Again the Clam Lord though long and hard about this dilemma and after downing a few Molson's, summoned Bryan.

"Bryan, chosen one of the Clam Lord, hear now my task and harken to my words! Names ye shall think of for my people, and names shall ye give to them. Ye shall name them one and all as my will proclaims! Thou shalt name them names that only they shall understand and heed. Thou shalt name them not Neanderthal, nor Cobb or nor Breen, such names would be an abomination! Thou shalt name them in my likeness!"

And Bryan replied, "Fuck You!! What's with all the biblical talk shit?!? You give me a wench then don't leave me alone! No Molson's either! You name them, I'm busy!"

And the Clam Lord frowned. He had created Bryan with too much fire to do his bidding, and so its devious mind decided that IT would begin the naming. The Clam Lord had already seen to it that the History class Bryan, Doug, and the one who Jims shared was taught in the auditorium. Not the comfortable seating area such men of greatness would like, especially Bryan. This day, as class was about to begin, voice boomed like thunder from above. Its words we the words of Dr. Gilbert, but its message was the message of the Clam Lord:

"Will the GODDAMN ROMAN in the aisle please find a seat!" was what the words stated. But the message the Clam Lord gave was: "Fuck ME??? NO!! FUCK YOU!!! You could have picked any name for yourself you wanted...Elvis, Geese, anything, but you pissed me off!! SO, FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD THOU SHALT BE KNOWN AS THE ROMAN!!! And as for the biblical shit...rent the Holy Grail!!! Then maybe you'll understand!!!"

And so it was, after hearing the message of the Clam that Doug, and the one who Jims reported this message to the Clam assembly in the HUB. And all knew and agreed that the message of the Clam Lord was clear. And from that moment on, Bryan was known as The Roman. And then like wildfire it happened. Tom became Shades, Doug became Biguy, Jim became Reverend and Jay, Shawn became Sass, Spotty and Patsy, Bob became Spike, Steve became Toasty, women in general became wenches, Paula became Momma Clam, and it was well...very, very well.

And the Clam Lord spoke unto them, "Take unto your hearts the message of the Clam! Live your life as THE Clam would live and follow these, my Clammandments!"

1. I am the Clam Lord...remember that!

2. Drinking and revelry and wenching shall be the order of each day! Silliness shall abound!

3. Thou art my people and thou shalt drink Stroh's and Genee Cream in mass quantities unless Molson is available!

4. Thou shalt protect All Clams from Neanderthals, Gaaks, Gits, and Greeks!

5. Thou shalt abuse your own kind repeatedly, daily!

6. Thou shalt never forsake The Clam or another Clam!

7. Thou shalt not have another Clam's wench!

8. Keep holy intramural hockey season!

9. Gamble, Play sports, and enjoy!!

10. But most of all remember...Clams are brothers under the shell. No matter how many years may pass, or how many miles may separate, you were brought together by MY will and you will be true to one another for all eternity!!

"I have Spoken!!!" And the Clam Lord's Shell Closed, and it passed out...too much Molson!

And so it came to pass that the Clams live their days through the winter of 1984 in drunken revelry. Yes, there were trials and tribulations, and conflicts of every nature. There we also many, many great times as well, in Sport, Intramurals, and parties...too many to remember, and too many brain cells killed to be sure of any of it!! The Book of Shades recounts many of these memories, and I humbly defer to his memory and notes on these matters...mostly because my memory fails me and besides, Clams are generally by their nature the lazy beings, and if he wrote it, it would be a waste of effort for me to repeat it.

And now with that said...on to 1985...The Golden Age of the Clams!!!

And so it was that the Clam Lord was pleased with his flock. They had shown all the traits of its way and followed its Clammandments. The Clam Lord decided to instill its people with quite the fierce competitive nature. The Clams, The Roman, and The Clam Lord were tired of squat seasons and wanted to taste victory. So in the midst of one drunken binge in January 1985, the Clam Lord spoke:

Whoa to you oh Beta, OGO, SPO, and Neanderthals, for the Clam Lord sends the Clams to the field of honor with wrath for it knows the time is short. Let he who hath understanding recon the chant of the Clams, "Gunney-Goo-Goo!" Be prepared to fall oh Greeks, Gaaks and Neanderthals, for the Clams are eternal.

And so the group came to the field of honor to play softball, The Clam Lord gave its competitive nature unto the Clams. It gave newly found athletic talents, and it Coach Sinnott a slow-pitch rule book. The Clams devoured the rule book and with their cunning, exploited the rules to their advantage. No Bruce would be necessary this season. The ground shook, the wind took to their back, and one by one, the Clams began beating the Greeks, OGO, The Ogres of SPO, and the universe was on its ear. The Greeks were wondering what happened, and even lost playing sober. But then, the Evil One came forward and cursed the Clams. The Evil One made the equally evil Cobb an umpire....a biased umpire....a biased umpire with a vendetta against the Clams. This evil was so great, it overcame the Clams, and at the hand of Twigs and Sparks, the Clam Softball Team Roared no more.

But the Clams learned several important lessons this season. First of all, there is no incentive one can give to a Clam greater than betting them or setting a goal with a payoff of alcohol. Second, a freshly stocked stream with copious amounts of fishermen present is no place for Spotty to go bathing. And finally, while a championship would be sweet, there is NOTHING sweeter to the palate of a Clam than victory over the cocky, overconfident OGRES!!!

And so it came to pass that the Clams were now revered adversaries. So revered, that the opposition found it necessary to cheat against the Clams to lessen the Clams advantage.

And lo, it came to be that the Clams were given the hand of the Clam Lord in Football as well. It gave unto its people, Richard T. who did a mean "Scramblin' Randall" impersonation. It gave unto them also the Moon Toad and Pipe Cleaner. And granted them the abilities to win. And win they did, qualifying for their first championship. Though cheap shots rendered many a Clam injured during the season and final game, hope was never abandoned, and the Clams fought valiantly throughout the campaign, including infliction of several injuries of their own. Yes, Football was WELL...But the Clam Lord had an even greater gift to bestow upon its Clams.

And again it came to pass that the Clam Lord saw that while its people were well, they needed more activities to commune with. And the Clam Lord said unto Roman, "Thou shalt organize a poker game amongst the Clams. Thou shalt play dealers choice, but I will frown upon sissy, girly games of the 5-card variety, and though shalt consume copious quantities of Stroh's and Cheeze-It's, and silliness shall abound!" And Roman replied, "Finally, you are being quite the sensible Clam Lord! When shall we begin?"

And the Clam Lord said unto Roman, "What the FUUUUCK!!! Why bother me with that shit, get Spotty, Toasty, Shades, Jay and Biguy, and just do it!! I have spoken!"

The Roman told the Clams of this request and was greeted with, "You talked to WHO?!?!?! Duuude, you need a beer!!!" But the Clams liked this idea. In fact, they loved it. But when to begin. Then Spotty suggested, "Maybe we should let the Clam Lord decide, surely IT will give us a sign!" And Roman responded with, "And a boot to the head for you!", THWACK!

The Clams awaited their sign, until one Friday morning, when all was dark and gloomy. Rain and wind abounded as a hurricane made it's way toward the Lehigh Valley. Doug made his way to the HUB and found Shades there smiling. "Classes have been cancelled, Biguy!" Shades rejoiced. And you know what that means....POKER PARTY!!!

But Biguy was concerned. "How can we play poker, we have no cards, no poker chips and no beer! Everything is closed!" But undaunted Shades replied, "We shall be the brave Clams and venture out to find beer for all Clamkind!"

And they did, in a little blue Chevette! The rain fell so hard that visibility was 3 inches from the windshield. The wind literally blew the car laterally across the pavement, but the two brave Clams sealed their friendship in the car that day, and found Beer. But poker chips were nowhere to be found. So, as all Clams do, they improvised! No poker chips, USE DOMINOES!!

And so it was...the blues were a nickel, the greens a dime and yellows a quarter. Last hand no limit, and silliness shall abound. And so it came to be the weekly ritual of the Clam to play poker. In fact many of the greatest moments of Clam history occurred during poker.

Remember when.....

Spotty caused Doug to Tom in his pants in his sleep!

Spotty dozed off at the poker table!

Biguy drew a Royal Flush, and no one had better than a pair of queens!

Shades yelled, "Why not make ALL the cards wild!"

Jay Jimmed and cleared the room...every week!

Biguy double wet-willied Spotty!

Shades first said, "Two Cowboys, a lady and a little boy, we have movie!"

And it was ALL VERY WELL!!!

And so my friends, I end this saga. There were too many things to recount that I could not all put here. Shortly after we found poker to be our natural habitat and Leon's Bearded Clam Bar was in it's heyday, this Clam had to "runaway" as his sentence at Momo was up. 'Twas a sad day to leave all of you, my brothers. But as I drove off into the sunset on December 23rd, 1985 I popped a tape into the deck of my car and heard the following lyrics:

Well we busted out of class, had to get away from those fools,

We learned more from a three minute record baby than we ever learned in school.

Tonight I hear the neighborhood drummer's sound, I feel my heart begin to pound,

You say your tired and you just wanna close your eyes and follow your dreams down.

Well we made a promise, we swore we'd always remember.

No retreat, No Surrender....

Blood Brothers on a stormy night with the vow to defend,

No retreat, baby No Surrender!

- Bruce Springsteen

I've taken liberty with some of the quotes as 14 years does tend to cloud the memory and you ALL know how many brain cells I killed at my time at Momo, but the spirit of what was said is accurate.

And now I've said my peace, my friends, my comrades, my blood brothers. I'll be with you always in spirit.

"The Biguy"

Doug Zigari