And it came to pass that as the earth's shell became hard, so did that of another, the Clam God. The Clam God looked down on the earth and saw the work of another God in the form of trees, flowers, animals, birds and people. The Clam God was happy to see the clams on the ocean floor but people disturbed him. He felt that there had to be a way to make people more interesting. He saw people in different groups, those who constantly pursued the worship of the other God, those who were brown nosers and ass kissers, jocks and other dim-witted slobs, gaacks (a form of person with a strong power of repulsion, homer-like appearances, and usually heard to be making a kind of honking noise, hnngr!), and other generally boring types of people. He felt there was only one way to save people, and that was to give them examples to follow.

The Clam God decided the backbone of his people should be based on having a good time. Humor is of the utmost importance. So the Clam God made his first creation - Bryan Strouse, henceforth to be known as Roman. The Clam God came to Roman in a burning shrubbery and said "Roman, I am the Clam God and I have created you. You are the first of a new race of people and I want you to assist me in my task to save the human race." "Fuck you, I'm busy", replied Roman. "I have a case of beer!" said the Clam God. Roman was now attentive. The Clam God spoke, "I will be bringing you other future Clams, your job is to make them aware of their hidden potential. They may not be receptive and might not get along at first, but you must remember this - Clams are devious, sneaky, hell-raisers with an insatiable taste for alcohol, a want of wenches (constantly), an urge to gamble and a talent for mocking others and self that is unsurpassed by any other life form." "Give me a beer!" bellowed Roman as he drew his hockey stick. "One for now", said the Clam God, tossing him a Molson. "You are to join Moravian College and meet the rest of my people." The Clam God left to consume the rest of the beer and Roman chucked him the finger as he left and went off to enroll at Mo-Mo.

Roman went to Moravian and began to play the sport of the clam, hockey. In his first year at Moravian he came in contact with two future Clams, Doug and Wamz. Roman and Doug did not get along at first meeting. In fact Doug became a Clam through the act of stuffing a volleyball in Roman's face after repeatedly blocking Roman's spike attempts. Doug came to be known as Biguy. Roman then recruited Shades, whom he met through Stacey. Stacey interacted with many of the Clams. Roman and Shades played hockey together and the Clam God gave both of them extremely short tempers. He lengthened the tempers of later Clams, but only slightly. Roman, being somewhat lazy as all clams are, passed on the power of recruiting to his new found prospects. Roman, however, kept on recruiting by adding Wamz to the fold. The Clam God came to Roman fresh off a binge, "Roman, you have done well, I am quite the pleased god." Roman absorbed the Clam God’s language and it spread throughout the Clams. "You will meet other Clams through various other sports, each will bring individual qualities to the Clams, but each will be Clams in their own right." The Clam God then passed out and Roman gave him full frontal nudity, for he was tired of doing all the work. However, the Clam God had done all this in six days, along with drinking, wenching and gambling with other lesser gods and...on the seventh day, he had to rest.

The winter turned to spring and the Clam God brought out a new batch of Clams to be discovered. Shades began to frequent a section of the HUB where he associated with Steve, Hogan, Shawn, Bruce, Eckert and Durfey. His recruiting job was made easy when Shawn and Durfey approached him about playing softball. Roman played and Eckert and Bruce were on the team. Shawn, Durfey, Eckert and Bruce were soon after inducted. Roman learned again of what the Clam God meant by ‘Clams won’t always get along at first’ when a deep rooted hate arose between Shades and Shawn, which stopped short of them killing each other. Steve and Hogan were added at this time, but not all got along with the lazy Steve or quiet Hogan at first. One unique prospect was lost at the end of the spring, that was John Verbose, a strong-eating man who quick with a cut down, but most noted for his famous comeback, "Your Mother!" The Clam God was pleased with the group’s progress, but one thing distressed him. He was so distressed in fact, that he wouldn’t allow the team to be named the Clams, nor would he allow them a win. The reason was the Clams first acquaintance with a gaack. The Clam God had warned them, but they didn’t listen, and Mike Smits played on the team. Smits was a briefcase-carrying, lanky, half-brained gaack who talked to walls and in general didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The Clam God was so angered that he cursed the team with the fruit of conceit, Al Schrack. Schrack was known for bragging that he was wonderful and the rest of the team sucked. He often went 6 for 3 with 7 homers and 20 RBIs in a 14-2 loss. He also carried his bats up his ass. The Clam God still did not feel appeased, so he cursed Eckert with short jokes since he had included Smits on the team. He also cursed Shawn with a gopher pitch, Shades with a glove of stone and Durfey with the speed of a large human being that doesn’t move very well. The Clams suffered and the Marauders went 0-7. However, they learned and came back the next year to more prosperous times. Biguy had done a fine recruiting job and had found Reverend Jim, the fuel-maker. The Clams took to the hockey floor again and discovered another Clam trait: cheating. Bruce transformed himself into many people, sometimes more than one in a single game. He played hockey with the best and often appeared to be in more than one place at the same time. His name appeared on many Clam rosters, but his body was rarely the same and he often didn’t know how well he played until other Clams informed him the next day. The Clam God was very pleased with the development of his people. He spoke with the penalty minute leader Roman again. "You are doing well Roman, you now have the forefathers of my people. You will now enter the years of plenty for the Clams and there will be much rejoicing. You must never have association with another gaack, lest ye die! I will be teaching you the language of the Clams little by little, and it will be well. For now, consume in mass quantities, and I will call on you soon." "No, Way!" Roman shouted as he left, and soon after Shades was heard to say "Hoi!"

The Clam God felt something was missing in his people, he soon realized that the Clams needed a motherly figure. He celebrated his discovery with a keg of Molson. Three days later after he recovered, he sent the Clams Paula, or Mama Clam. Paula was received well by the Clams. Another addition at this time was Bob Hess, Spike. Shades recruited Spike by ripping Spike’s arm out from under his chin while he was sleeping in Miss Ott’s calculus class. Spike would later get even. The Clams followed the Clam God’s example and partook of communion often and in copious amounts. It was at this time that snow sport champ Dan was introduced to the Clams. Dan took no shit and got his pen in high gear whenever someone tried to hand him some. Dan was the overseer of Lake Hopatcong. The Clams had taken up permanent residence in their original meeting ground in the HUB. The Clam God saw a uniting of forces among his Clams and a major hatchet was buried as the Shawn-Shades feud ended as they began to make fun of others, realizing that they could do more damage together rather than individually. Shawn came to be known as Spotty. The Clams were becoming a close-knit emerging power. The Clam God came to Roman again. "Roman, my people are becoming powerful and getting noticed. With power comes enemies, and you should know that there will be enemies emerging in your path." "What a load of bullshit!" sad Roman. "Listen To ME!" bellowed the Clam God. "I want you to have them removed! Step on them! But of course, if they are too tough you should ‘Run Away!’ I will send you more assistants, more Clams to add to my people. This will be a difficult time so don’t fuck up!" "Eat shit and die!" said Roman as he left. He was not much one for showing respect to the Clam God, but they understood each other, a trait apparent in all Clams.

The Clams had just struggled through another squat-like hockey season. They were depressed and confused as to why they sucked at sports. Roman decided to confront the Clam God with the problem. "What is it Roman?" asked the Clam God. "We SUCK, we BLOODY suck at all sports!" spouted a pissed off Roman. "You are only there to have fun", said the Clam God. "We’re getting pissed off at all this losing!" After a pause the Clam God spoke. "OK, I will give you athletic ability, however, be aware that this will bring you even more conflict from the other people." "Big Shit!" said Roman, "We want to do well at something." "Be prepared to pay the price." Warned the Clam God. The Clam God gave Spotty pitching abilities, he softened Shades’ glove and he plucked the fruit of conceit from the team. Jim, Steve, Biguy and Spike made well additions to the softball team; however, a storm was on the rise.

And so the Clams took to the softball field full of confidence and full of alcohol. Eckert went recruiting and redeemed himself by scarfing up Mark Miller, a man capable of growing a beard at the drop of a hat. Also added to the growing Clam clan was Tom Smart, a lackadaisical sort who took the name California Clam. The band of ragged Clams took softball victories in a rapid type fashion; however, their playoff hopes were almost taken from them by a blind ump and the Master of Evil, Rick Cobb. Cobb was a balding, short, arrogant worm. His reign of terror was rivaled by the Clams and on one soggy day they clashed. 'The Weapon' dealt many significant blows in the combat, but the final deathblow was dealt out by Steve. As the evil Cobb made his last charge at the Clams he belted a drive deep into Clam occupied territory. Steve nonchalantly proceeded to pirouette, with one hand contained in his windbreaker pocket, and leap up to snare the bomb as he crashed into the fence. He was the hero of the battle, but the rest of the softball war was not over. The evil Cobb had been beaten, however, another power, Twigs and Sparks emerged to defeat the Clams. They were not destroyed by this setback, but rejoiced over the progress they had made. They went to battle and no longer fought amongst themselves. They learned of physical sacrifice as Durfey regurgitated rib parts in a crucial play at the plate. Durfey was soon to adventure elsewhere in the world, but others would take his place. The Clam God was proud of his people and decided to send more help to them. A stationary figure took up residence in the Clam section of the HUB, his name was Ralph. The Clams took care of him and he gave them constant silent support. He was also a reminder to all who passed the Clam Bed that the Clams were alive and well. The Clams also received other supporters, Michelle and Jane. They attempted to keep the Clams in line, a task they soon realized to be futile, but the Clams appreciated their efforts. Guidance was something the Clams needed and the Clam God would soon send them those of knowledge of the world with age under their belts. "Roman", called the Clam God. "What now?" replied an annoyed Roman. "You have done well in softball and I see you are pleased. I told you there would be problems though." "YEE HA! So you were right for once." "I want to send you elder Clams to assist with the development of my people. They will teach you composure." The Clam God was referring to Jim and Shades arguing with Cobb and a large, pea-brained seed, drooling in the outfield, while Spotty continued to pitch to some monster from Twigs and Sparks. Although the Clam God did admire their spunk and would've liked to have seen Cobb get decked. "I also do not want to see Spotty floundering in a creek amidst angry anglers. If he must challenge the team, have him do it with something Clam-like." In an attempt to fire up his team, Spotty bet that he would jump in the Monocacy if the Clams beat Cobb's team to get into the playoffs. Problem was, the creek had just been stocked with trout and Spotty jumped in right in the middle of five fishermen. "Go back to my people now." "What about you hosehead?" asked Roman. "Me? Right now I must go see a man about a horse!"

With the Clam God's introduction of Clamettes, the rest of the Clams followed suit. Wamz and Cathy were engaged and Spike and Debbie soon followed. Spotty played juggler and was almost turned into a newt except for Bruce transforming himself into brothers of Shades and having repeated bachelor parties. The other Clams were playing hopscotch around the field, and Biguy would soon meet Tammy. Hockey came again and this time the Clams made the playoffs, only to lose on a kicked in goal by the Ninja faggots, 1-0. The Clam God held true on his promise and sent the Clams their elders. Pappy and Mulligan were fine specimens of Clams. Under their supervision, the Clam binges increased. Pappy's home began to be frequented, and it was always an adventure whenever Mulligan was able to get away from home. Not wanting to go back, he refused to let a party die without a fight. Hence labeled 'The Thing That Wouldn't Leave', Mulligan was rudely evacuated from many parties. "Oh Wow, what a bummer. You guys are wimps. Just one more," was often heard from him at 4:00 in the morning when other Clams were ready to retire. The Clams were also joined by Bill; also known as Buzz. Bill enjoyed parties and held them at his house. He was highly noted for his telling of the joke about the book Prison Sex by Ben Dover. The Clam God came to Roman once more. "You now have your elders, Roman." "Who needs these gits, they're so old they'll probably bite it every five minutes," Roman replied. The Clam God chugged down another beer and said, "They will be helpful and you will keep them. Now, be off with you."

The Clam God was pleased with the sports his people played, but he felt it was time he introduced them to one away from MoMo. "Roman!" called the Clam God. "What?" replied Roman who was still sleeping off the night before’s outing. "Roman, I…I…Holy Shit! What happened to your hair?!?!" exclaimed the Clam God. "I got it cut this way for the band I’m in so fuck off!" retorted Roman. "Oh, well, anyway, I want you and the rest of my people to play a sport away from MoMo. It will be fun and it will get the Clams more exposure, its called golf." "Yea, yea, alright", said Roman while taking some aspirin. So the Clams took to the course. They weren’t very good, but they had fun. Steve was pretty good and so was Pappy. Spotty decided one must attire oneself in every color of the rainbow to be good, but it didn’t help, especially when he played leap frog with the green. Roman took the golf terms literally and one day he got a birdie – right in the middle of the back. Jim enjoyed dropping in on strangers from 250 yards away. Biguy thought that attempts at decapitation would liven up the round as he tried to kill two Clams with one ball. As he excitedly ran out from behind a bush asking if his blast of an iron shot was seen, he noticed Jim and Shades laying in the fairway amidst clubs, balls, tees, etc. saying "We saw it!" Shades decided to use golfing to warm up for basketball, so he practiced his bank shot by hitting his tee shot off of a sign and into a garbage can. Shades also enjoyed target on other Clams with the much feared 8-iron. Pappy enjoyed target practice of another kind, on cars. Brian Rosenberger took a friendly gesture from one golfer to another when he hits a bad tee shot, and turned it into a nasty habit and also received it as a nickname, Mulligan. For some reason, Mulligan thought a wedge could chop wood, but realized different when the wood chopped his wedge. Jim learned how to be a great judge of where his ball went especially when it went in the bushes, again. They came to enjoy the game, and if they could only manage to go when it wasn’t snowing, Spotty would be able to save a few putter covers.

January brought another dismal hockey season, sure as a Clam brings beer to a poker game. The Clams decided to try something else, skiing. Shades became teacher and Steve was his best pupil, then there was Hogan. Hogan was NOT Franz Klammer; he was also NOT boring. His best trick was putting his skis above his head in a snow bank while they were still attached to his feet. He also tried to take half the slopes home on his clothes. Then Spotty gave it a whirl, but he spent most of his time sitting…on the slopes, on the lift, and, of course, in the lodge at the bar. Lynne did well, and Michelle was good if she had 4 skis and someone to lean on, however, they both refused to ever return to the slopes again with the Clams. Eckert, Steve and Shades enjoyed making Kamikaze runs on mogul slopes and racing down the beginner hills. Skiing did not go over too well at that time. Spotty would rather have partaken in leisure and Eckert would rather have a beer. This was a rare agreement by Spotty and Eckert who participated in their own biathlon of boxing and wrestling. Spotty won boxing and Eckert won wrestling after giving Spotty a good swift kick in the parts. The rest of the Clams were refs and amused themselves by beating the shit out of T-N-T. No one is really sure what prompted the contests. The challenge arose from continued arguing and mocking between Spotty and Eckert during a ‘welt wars’ competition in the game room. Welt Wars was a Clam trademarked version of ping pong, where the object was to get a point by causing a welt on one of your opponents with the ping pong ball. Jim and Biguy’s room became more frequently visited especially when there was a softball tournament. This made it difficult for the Clams to win at any of the tournaments, because it gave them an excuse to start drinking at 9:00 AM. They bagged the co-ed tournament and had a party. They attempted fast pitch with Spike pitching and causing batting helmets to be re-instated. The Clams were to win one game in slow pitch as Spotty heeded the word of the Clam God (chapter 7, verse 30) and put up a case of Molson for a win. The Clams then soundly thrashed OGO 10-0. A marvel of the team was Mulligan, who swung as if he were in slow motion, but hit the ball a mile. If only he didn’t stand and watch it he might’ve had a few homeruns. Pappy displayed a large set by calling SPO a bunch of ogres. Mulligan’s chant of "We’ll root for whoever we want to!" to Doug Breen of OGO was not a sober move, needless to say there was a mountain of empty Molson bottles under the Clam spectator bench. Breen of course is the jarhead who separated Jim’s shoulder in the Clams hockey playoff appearance in the season of fights. Jim never came out of that game. The season of fights included Jim trying to drive some fag through the floor who wouldn’t stop hugging him. Roman got in a fight with some geek whose friend leaped from the balcony after him, and Shades, while playing in the nets, got in a fight with a Moravian linebacker. The sporting doldrums continued through co-ed volleyball. The computer science group was winding down with their Major requirements, but Dr. March made sure it wasn’t easy as Pappy, Mulligan, Steve, Wamz, Roman, Hogan and Shades took up permanent residence in the Computer Room. But, with the Major out of the way, the returning Clams looked toward a year of great fun. A prelude to the coming year was the Clams getting to the championship in volleyball and losing in a close match. However, a few of the Clams had to be bid farewell to, Pappy, Mulligan, Mark Miller, Bruce (Boo) and Debbie. A few other Clams could have gone, but decided to stick around. "Roman", called the Clam God. "Yo!" replied Roman. "I’m taking away your elders and sending them on to other things. They have done well and you will be on your own next year." "We can still contact them", said a combative Roman. "No, I’m sending Pappy to California and Mulligan’s wife is pregnant." Replied the Clam God. You will have other role models to follow next year. "If you say so." Said Roman. The Clam God then left singing a song, "Once in every lifetime, there comes a lot like this…."

The ‘year of plenty’ began just as the Clams had thought; it was a riot. The Clams signed up for football. Their first opponents were the Zealots, who were expected to be wimps. WRONG! A large man named Attila proceeded to devour the line and destroy the quarterback. The Clams feared Attila, as well they should. Somehow they managed to win despite his blocking the whole line. Some new Clams helped; Richard T. Gurniak was a good receiver with a cannon for an arm. Matt, alias Toad, was a good lineman. Matt was not a good receiver. Jay was a good player who weighed all of 52 pounds. Jay had to fill in for other linemen when they got hurt. The winning touchdown was made when Spike reached 18 yards out of bounds to snare a ball that Shades meant to throw away, and ran for a score. The play of the game was, "You are going to catch this ball and you are going to like it!" and Spotty did. Next the Clams beat Beta for their first win ever over this frat, 7-0. Shades was sick, but Spotty readied him for the game by slapping him in the face, calling him a wimp, and drawing blood. Then came OGO. OGO brothers reffed this game and it showed. The Clams scored an apparent go ahead touchdown but were flagged for um…uh…holding, yea that’s it, holding, but we don’t know on who. So on the next play; Spotty went out on a center eligible. Shades’ pass was high and as Spotty jumped he was clipped and taken down before the ball got there, by some dick named Lumpy. Spotty’s knee was broken, but of course there was no penalty. OGO won and went to the top of the Clams enemy list. The Zealots forfeited to the Clams, and then the Clams lost to Beta. Then in a must win game they beat OGO and would then face them in the championships. OGO sat upon the Clams, however, they carried out their revenge plan, as they would’ve done if the previous game had gotten out of hand. Matt busted 4 teeth of one OGO brother and big fat fag Doc Windolf began to cry. Then on a kickoff, operation Lumpy was carried out. Jim hit him to slow him down, Shades stood him up, and Matt hurled himself over Shades and plastered Lumpy to the turf. Lumpy did not know what time it was and staggered off the field. Fag Windolf began to whimper that the Clams were playing dirty, which filled the Clams with pride. The Clams lost 35-19 but went 4-3 and they were happy, and also sore.

Two other recruits, who never quite made it, were Rich and John. They were two of the biggest people the Clams had ever seen. They moved in to the room next to Jim and Biguy and frequently hung out with the Clams. The Clam God thought it might be good if the Clams got a little higher classed and played a calm relaxing game like poker. He came to Roman one day, "Roman!" "What the fuck do you want now?" replied Roman. "I want the Clams to learn a game that they will always be able to play, it’s a calm game called poker", the Clam God explained. "Yea, why?" inquired Roman. "Because I said so and it will be fun!" the angry Clam God said. Roman always questioned him. "This is a card game that involves gambling and drinking", explained the Clam God. "Well why didn’t you say that?" asked Roman. "You don’t use money though, you must get colored poker chips to represent money." The game sounded intriguing to Roman. The Clam God explained some games to Roman and told him to have the Clams come up with their own games, and to be creative. "Look at us! How could we not be?" said Roman. Roman explained the Clam God’s request to the Clams who thought it was a great idea. Jim and Biguy immediately produced three traffic signs from under their beds. The Curve and Do Not Enter signs were chosen to be the poker table. Biguy and Shades volunteered to get poker chips. Their search for poker chips led them first to the beer distributor. They could not find poker chips at the beer distributor, so they bought beer. Then they went to a toy store, but all they could find were blue, green and yellow dominoes. The beer was calling them, so they bought the dominoes. It was raining hard when they had left MoMo, when they left Westgate Mall it was as if they were in a waterfall. Actually, hurricane Gloria had invited herself to the Clams inaugural poker game. The core group of poker players was Roman, Biguy, Jim, Shades, Spotty, Hogan and Steve, and they were all at that first game. Spike, Rich, John and Bill Maniatti were occasional attendees. Jay and Matt did not play; however, it was discovered by Shades that Matt was the keeper of the Magic Bowler. Matt lent the bowler to Shades, much to the dismay of the others. Shades was able to tap its magic for many a winning hand. Despite vehement protests and bribes, which Matt never refused, he still lent the Magic Bowler to Shades. The Clams were to discover that poker could be dangerous, as could any activity that involved prolonged periods of time in a confined space with Jim and his fuel-making talents. Jim and his special gift provided many intermissions and many tirades. No poker game was as dangerous as the first. Like a scene from "The Poseidon Adventure", the Clams sat in Jim and Biguy’s room drinking and gambling while the basement floor of Bernhardt was being evacuated because of Gloria. As people fled past the open door, some stopped and asked what the Clams were doing. It became obvious while drinking, gambling and being jocular, with music blaring in the midst of utter chaos all around them, that the Clams had become cool under pressure. The record keeping was always a bit suspect as plastered accounting major Biguy was selected to keep the financial records. A task that was made difficult because the records were done at 4:00 AM by a drunk, taking winning totals from other drunks counting dominoes that had been thrown all over the room. In an attempt to aid Biguy; Spotty, Steve, Jim, Hogan and Shades would all look over his shoulder and yell numbers and obscenities at him while he was trying to tally. Biguy would get his revenge by being dealt a Royal Flush and having all Clams hate him. He also received the deck since no one would use it anymore. Boots to the head abounded as the rubber arm rests from Spotty’s crutches were used to club each other over the head. After Spotty was done with the crutches, any object that could be lifted was deemed suitable. Poker inspired the tradition of passing a bottle around the table for all to swig. Originally the bottle was always Jim and Biguy’s bottle of Jack Daniels that was kept on a shelf. After they wised up and started hiding it before games, Schnapps was used. The Clam God was once again pleased. He laughed his ass right out of his shell watching the Clams on poker nights. Some of the games they invented frightened him, but all enjoyed Toasty’s introduction of Drops. Shades was flagged for calling 5-card draw no peek, however, Biguy drew a full house at that one. Many a night ended with Roman’s refusal to play Indian, as he would not stoop to such depths as to put a card near his hair. Hogan quietly built empty beer can pyramids. Shades would have to piss, at best, every other hand. Then there was Spotty. Spotty began the art of wet willies. Then came chinning. As Jim drank he would get slow and defenseless to Spotty’s on-slaughts so he would just Jim at him. Spotty tried his finest trick on Biguy. Spotty put a sleeping Biguy’s hand in a cup of warm water to make him Tom. After 5 minutes of it not working, Spotty dumped the water in Biguy’s crotch so he would think he Tommed and Spotty, Jim and Shades went out to breakfast, soon to be another poker tradition. These games bonded the group even more; making sure they would always remain connected.